Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me!
I have come to believe that love happens. And when it does, it gets you whether you want it or not, like it or not. It almost seems as if it gives you a high, an energy that makes you think that whatever you have thought for yourself is right, what you have imagined will lead you to where we have dreamed to be one day. When love grows on you, it makes you believe that boundaries don’t exist, 'You and I' becomes 'Us', and that makes you sacrifice things that you never thought you were capable of living without, to the point that it starts reflecting in your identity. It’s all very surreal really.
But what do you do when you realize your short comings as a couple? What do you do when all that emotional drama and ecstasy doesn’t last and all the magic fades away? The politically correct answer would be to pretend to ignore it. Because we are raised to keep trying to work things out. Even when you know you are jumping into the fire, you are obligated to try. So, most of the times, we don’t stop it from damaging our identities, and choose to drag the fragile relationship with the baggage it cannot endure anymore. Why don’t we learn to stop in due time? And most importantly, if this is what the fate of most relationships is, why do we let it happen in the first place?
The thing is, we can’t save ourselves from the world forever. But we can learn to stop. Even when we are in love, stop for our integrity and self respect, stop giving up ourselves for the ones who are not worth the sacrifice. Stop ignoring the obvious symptoms of degeneration of love, and start understanding that when it’s over, it over! Happiness, joy, commitment, promises… all have a life. When love leaves you, it never looks back at you, no matter how hard you try. And when that happens, all you're left with is yourself. And when you are left with yourself, all you are going to need to forget that fake happiness, joy, commitment crap is that self respect & integrity that you lost a while ago for the love that left you standing still.
But what is it exactly that keeps us hanging on? From what I understand, sometimes, when we have ‘invested’ a lot in a relationship, we are reluctant in admitting that it’s going to be over. We want ‘The Memory’ to be true just because we waited very long for it to be true, dreamed too much for it to happen, even when the other person doesn’t feel the same way. But can you blame them entirely for not loving you anymore? What can you say? It happens, just like love. It happens. It is quite possible that people can’t love you back the way you want them to. So the right thing to do is to let them go. Trust me, starting over or even standing still cannot be as bad as living in the pretence of a fake-perfect-love-story.
Having said that, one should always keep in mind that boundaries don't keep others out, they fence you in, and so it would be terrible thing to say that people should aspire not to fall in love anymore. It’s a natural and most humanly act to follow. Just remember that there's a line that separates you from everything else in this world. Even love. When someone tries to cross that line, you either let them, or you don't. If you let them, you risk too much, so just be sure that it’s worth it. If you don't, just remember that it wasn’t worth you. Plus, remember that the ones that really disserve giving up your honor for will never ask for it in the first place.
~Isbah Z
Comments
nazuk yeh daur hay kyoon?
emaan kamzor hay kyoon?
Mostly girls become blind and they awakes up when their video appears in you tube and for boys, its just like a game.
If someone really claim to be lover, ask him for marriage if he makes excuses (no matter what) , then its game.
Well i never fall in love and there is no question of getting far :=).
PS"For me girls are like angel".
comments:
All those so called men , who contribute in your topic make me hmm hmmm as their input is nothing more than but “great ideas “ “well done”.
Its not the men who are always idiot but it’s the stupidity of women, who fall for dream world, which never exist. God has nothing to do with the premarital relationship , which are forbidden in islam . “Pasand ki shaadi” is considered favorite in Islam but it doesn’t mean dating or falling in love.
Islam doesn’t tell you to download window live messenger for chatting with boyfriends or use the sim of Warid to exchange romantic messages :P
I can make 20s girls fall in love before they know that I am flirting with them. It’s so easy but the only thing which restricts me is “fear of God”.
I understand that men cheat but the question is why are women so stupid?
Yes , women give give and give and all they give is more fun and chance to become fool.
Men take and take the chances to play with them.
Find some proper relationship with a man as wife , as mother , as sister and when you are
girl friend then you are nothing but an icon of entertainment.
First thing i dont think that the writer here is talking about premarital relationships. People can cheat on their partners, fall out of love and flirt with 100 women/men even after marriage too, which mostly leads to bad divorces, or one sided divorces.
The writer is trying to focus on handling your emotions and how not to let go of your integrity for the sake of being in a relationship. Emotional independence is not related to physical relationships, although they run side by side, but are not stressed anywhere in this article. We all speak for women who we know have let go of things that are near and dear to them, be it a tv show, jewelery, property.
The focus here is not on how macho men are if they think they can flirt with 20 women without realising that women might be just flirting too and deliberately acting stupid to fulfill men's idiotic need to lead and look superior !
To me, people who let go of someone who actually care for them, thinking they are stupid to be giving, are the actual losers. Giving is a trait of God... and God only blesses his special beings with this gift of HIS ... so i guess we always need to keep on contemplating/talking to ourselves to save our selves from becoming victims of our own mockery plots.
If we fail to understand the crux of the article here than we would be forcing the writer to break the intellectual rhythm of the article and comments here and shout "dude! this is not a mithai shop, you need to go sell your laddoos somewhere else!"
ciao ;)
If you read the original post from head to toe, the author makes you realize the consequences of falling in love.
If I follow your line of thinking then Author did not mention any specific gender and this topic could be for the animals. In west, people love the animals to the death: P
All we are doing is to explain our own school of thoughts and trying to draw some conclusion(s) instead of forcing our opinion about specific direction of original post.
Lets assume it was for women then most of the authors will focus on premarital rather than post .You would hardly finding anyone writing or talking articles /poetry about the cheating of marriage partners. If you are impressed with the version of “desperate house wife” then my apology, you are out of context.
In west, mostly people spend enough time under the same roof before they go to any church and there is no point of making them scare of consequences of falling in love: P
In west, people do not complain, they find another partners before their tears dry. For your kind information, divorced people usually celebrate when they get rid of their partners, because they have had enough bad experience.
I don’t think author was under 15 , mostly the teen age people are emotional about TV shows or TNT cartoons.
So your schools of thoughts are having some draw backs. But for the sake of respecting the opinions of others, I second your thoughts.
Now you have quoted something “To me………………….mockery plots”.
First of all, I am not sure if you have any specific direction here? Are you addressing to premarital, post or even if you are writing for the sake of writing? Oh I guess you are trying to mock me:P
I have related the stupidity with emotion. If someone is not worth, then there is no need to invest your feeling and generosity. If you continue then it is stupidity rather than love. Even if you read the original post, you will find the word “worth “plenty of time: Have you not heard " izaaat izaatdaroun sa mango".
I never ever mentioned that it is stupidity to care or love a decent person, but implicitly I questioned the worth of lover.
Women should find the difference between themselves and dogs’ .Dogs are loyal but at the end of day their place is at feet.
It’s not me or you to decide if someone is loser or winner because everyone has his or her own choice and options. The heroes of one nation are always considered the villain of another’s. Might be someone has a better option, who knows.
As you said God bless his special beings with his gift ….So women should also bless their blessing to the people who are worth :P
I have respect for women , because I have mother , I have sister and above all I have female friends. Like , i care about Mona(Memoona) and i know she is worth:P I even asked her if she can have my password to edit or delete my posts if she feels offended :P
The reason is obvious because I know she is trustable and if I ever feel cheated , I would not be blaming her but my stupidity “why have I trusted this person when she was not worth”.
I am good sales man and I can sell bible in Saudi arab :P
PS" Mona is my friend only and one must not confuse ":P
but im forced to say this now "Mr.Salesman! this is not a mithai shop, you need to go sell your laddoos somewhere else!"
No hard feeling ,i enjoyed your previous remarks and i was expecting more :=)
If you are interested i can send you free of cost Burfi or Gulab Gamen :=).I know Pakistani girls eat a lot :P
and once again im gonna say :"Mr.Salesman! this is not a mithai shop nor Saudi arabia, you need to go sell your laddoos and bible somewhere else!"
i hope i was able to make it understandable this time.
You said they were not “JUST” directed to you, so it does mean they were partially directed to me and I have returned the share from my part :P
As I mentioned if you read before posting then it can save you from the trouble of making fool of yourself. last but not least , you can get little bit training from me about making argument :=).
and with all due respect ur processor needs to be re-incarnated in order for you to understand the slightest of intellect ! :) so not your fault, your just made that way.
and once again::"Mr.Salesman! this is not a mithai shop nor Saudi arabia, you need to go sell your laddoos,gulab jammans, russ gullay and bible somewhere else!"
:)
You were not able to defend your own so-called arguments .You were swearing on Holy Book like Bus or wagon “Conductor “ .Is this something we call intelligence ? I can bet you are still having “choosni”:P
I think I am quite good at selling as you are having the taste of laddos in all posts :P
The world is more concerned about global warming, Kyoto protocol, war against terror than law of motion (or emotion ) or common sense of last centuries.
Normally frog has little world inside limited space .There is something we call open minded or liberal people in west. Usually Pakistani people follow blindly to western in order to become the open minded or liberal , but unfortunately they hardly know the meaning of it.
They think having dinner at KFC, wearing tight jeans, wearing low cut blouse , having tattoo on body can make them open minded or liberal .
No , its not like that. When we talk about open minded, it does mean opening the mind and thinking more than in our own limited space.
If you see the series of recent suicide bombing in Pakistan, then you find out what is the meaning of limited space’s issue and modern world: P Unfortunately no one is setting an example in Pakistan.
Look at Benazir Bhutto, another example of limited space. If she was fighting for democracy then how come she made the non-democratic will (Mr Zardari will take over if she dies) ? Her death revealed how sincere she was with the democracy and Pakistan. As it is beyond the scope of this topic so , see (http://www.orkut.com/Community.aspx?cmm=47793722).
You are committing the same mistake my dear so called Pakistani sister :P
The tragedy of argument is that her Excellency Saira andeleeb makes argument but she doesn’t know how to defend it. One can claim to be God, but the question is how to prove it :=). She must be considered talented, smart, gorgeous but for me just the next door girl :=).When you makes some opinion then you should know the meaning of it as I use to say implicitly and explicitly :P
Judging someone is something else and making opinion on the remarks of someone is something else. I do not have any prejudices against both of you. I am sure you girls are groomed up in decent environment and aunties are proud off on their engineer daughters.
Last but not least they must had distributed chaware(dry dates) or Laddo on the humble birth of Saira andeelb , that’s the one reason she used to mention sweet a lot.
Can i send you the online sweet from Nirala sweet ? You can give it to Saira andeelb .Please make it sure she eats all Laddo :P
She needs some sweetness in life and i dont mind wasting 20 US$ (wink).
I am serious not kidding .
Seriously!!! :)
When will evryone stop whining about whoz to be blamed here. Its a fact that both sides are to be blamed in such circumstances...nobodys really a saint...hard but true.
coming to the actual post...yes it is true..but i still believe that sumtimez stopping urself from loving sumone...dats next to impossible...because if it is really true love...then it cannot be discarded or forgotten...yes u can try to move on ...try to luk forward to wat life has in store for u...try to convince urself that perhaps u will find the same love that u gave from sum other person...but honestly to forget ur love for sumone..i dont believe its dat easy.
as far as the comments by a certain respectable gentleman are concerned...unfortunately these are the comments of a sexist...atleast they seem so...the only thing i cud agree wid the long list of comments was the sentence that being liberal and modern is not just abt wat u wear, eat or own....its more abt how u THINK..learn to understand how this world thinks and then mold dat into how uve been taught to live by islam...because thats how WE are supposed to live...living with the world AND following our teachings....being moderate is not a sin...its being able to understand how to live in the present world
coming back to the post i agree with Astro.
and i also agree with Omer's last comment !
Wonderful article, MashahAllah..I reread it and enjoyed once again =), Good point made by astro too, sometimes it's next to impossible to stop loving somebody.
Some of the comments here fall under the 'flaming' category and such a behaviour is not befitting of Muslims.
'Flaming' is best defined as posting or responding to a post\comment in a way clearly intended to incite useless arguments, rants, and/or for launching personal attacks, insulting, being hateful, useless criticism, name calling, swearing and other bad behavior or comments meant to incite anger;
from here onwards lets refrain from flaming comments =) after all all of us want to be good muslims.
"Sir, I have found you an argument; but I am not obliged to find you an understanding."
Perhaps we all are destined to want to rewrite our own and every body else's histories, thinking that we are trying to achieve a mighty level of understanding of what remains and why it does. But we have to learn to respect other people's opinions, or at least pretend to respect them, if we want people to respect our own.
Peace! :)
i believe there is a paradox at the root of our experience of love, i.e. if love gives me the confidence to be the man i want to be, then how is it that this same love can rob me of my integrity and self-respect? is it really the same sentiment? i don't know the answer.
still, every day i become more convinced that love should be, it must be, fundamentally selfish. it seems like a horrible thing to say but i am not advocating narcissistic self-love. selfish-love sounds very much like an oxymoron because love and selfishness are viewed as polar opposites. but we need to balance both in order to maintain sustainable healthy relationships.
selfishness has become a dirty word yet we cannot even begin to conceive of love and its dimensions of sacrifice, patience, tolerance, etc. in the absence of 'selfishness'. if a person has no self-respect and no self-worth, is he really sacrificing anything by giving of his time and energy. only the 'selfish' have the capacity to love and sacrifice. when we lose this selfishness , self respect and self worth, we also lose our ability to love because "you cannot give what you don't have".
there is a world of difference in compromising to achieve our goals, and compromising on our goals. we need to be 'selfish' enough not to compromise on our dearest objectives yet we need to be 'loving' enough to compromise on the road to achieving them. this is specially true in the case of a believer. because his life has an ultimate purpose, he needs to selfishly guard the direction that his life takes. nobody else is going to bear his burdens on the Day, no matter how much love he showers on them.
certainly, i concede, we cannot consciously choose who we fall in love with. it's more intuition than volition. but still we can, i think, either choose to feed this passion or tame it, through knowledge. this because our intuition is, after all, informed by our cumulative experience and assimilated knowledge.
for example, i don't think i could become romantically obsessed with a dead poet no matter how moving her poetry :) the mind limits the growth of this sentiment because it acknowledges the limitations placed by fact of her being dead. if, however, i started acquiring "knowledge" on how to communicate with the spirit world then my intuition might no longer inhibit this sentiment!
if we train our mind we can guide our intuition. or so i believe. there are two examples that i would like to cite. the first is from the story of prophet yusuf(a) as related in the quran:
(012:024)
She verily desired him, and he would have desired her if it had not been that HE SAW THE ARGUMENT of his Lord. Thus it was, that We might ward off from him evil and lewdness. Lo! he was of Our chosen slaves.
[empahsis added by me]
there is also a tradition of the prophet(s) which relates to this topic. http://kalamkalbu.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/who-do-we-love-the-most/
the first time i read it, it grated my sensibilities. over time, however, it has come to make perfect sense to me.
Khany.... you just summarized what i wanted to say in one sentence... :)
I believe that in order to follow your destiny, you have to learn to let go of certain things in life. Choosing not to be with the one you love, no matter how selfish the term appears to be, is important when love asks for sacrifices it no longer deserves. Its like that feeling before the injection crosses your flesh. You close your eyes, alert your defenses, and just let it happen. There's no easy way out. The only way out is to go through it.
Sometimes, we are luckily prohibited to take certain decisions, when natural selection keeps us away from our desires, which, in time we learn that we never really needed anyways, however, if things get messed up in relationships, and destiny & fate don't come to rescue, you have to take matters into your own hands.
Although it may not be a popular preference to let go of a passion or a desire, it is, however, always backed by better judgment, which i think we need to consider when dealing with our relationships.
And the interesting thing is, the human machine is built to live and learn. I can now live without so many things that i thought i could never live without a couple of years ago, and i only realized it when they were taken away from me. So i think that we have to learn to tame our desires to follow the direction that suits us the best. Love may be very fulfilling, but love without self-love is totally over-rated, especially if all that it leaves you with is not even yr true self.
jaaN jaaN waRday mandir maseeti,
qaddi mann apnay wich waRiya naee,
aa-vaiN laRda aye shaitan de naal bandeaa,
qaddi nafss apnay naal laRiya naee!
~Bulleh Shah.
:)
Time: another healer. They say time heals all wounds. I believe that. What I also believe is that not all people are healed in the same way. I mean, for some, finding another right person just heals everything, while for someone else although they are healed they will never make another commitment because it hurts so bad the first time when they got burned. While they are still some others who do move on and find someone to fill the void but have become extremely conscious of not letting anyone near their hearts, so that they don't get burned again. The question here is, how do you want to move on?